Sex in midlife and menopause

This is certainly a topic that has very polarised views and I feel this from my own sexuality journey over the past 5 years. I was about 47 when I really noticed my perimenopause symptoms. One of these was my diminishing sex drive. I was completely uninterested in any kind of sexual activity, almost repulsed.

I did not want my husband to be intimate with me in any way that was sexual.

I believe that there are many factors at play here and I will start by saying that every woman’s journey is completely unique and this is coming from my own perspective and experience.

The depleting levels of oestrogen, testosterone and progesterone in a women’s body in perimenopause all play a part in our loss of libido. These are big physiologically changes. Many other symptoms like insomnia, anxiety and loss of confidence  can all contribute to our sex drive, literally leaving the building.

Interestingly I believe ( and I know this to be the truth, from all the women I have worked with ) that we all go through a big shift in our menopause transition and this internal awakening can have a huge impact on the way we show up and feel about our bodies, our relationships, our whole life….

When I went into perimenopause it coincided with me going through a big personal growth curve and I believe this had an impact on my marriage. This and my horrendous symptoms culminated in me leaving my family home for a year because I needed space to reflect and to know if my marriage and my husband were what I wanted. Interestingly our sex life improved with the new living arrangements and we did get back together for a few more years.

Menopause is a time to re-evaluate your life. It feels like the perfect time to concentrate on your needs and what you want out of this next phase of life. It feels like the right time to shed anything that is not fulfilling or nourishing you. For so long women have  been caring for children (and may still be ) and also ageing parents,  we are the sandwich generation. In amongst all of this we can often neglect our own needs and this includes what we desire and what makes us feel sexy.

 My husband and I had become like best friends and that to me is just not sexy. To feel sexy we need difference, we need to work at romance, we need to feel wanted and nurtured and this all takes effort. To keep a relationship sexy there must be attention given to that. It means creating the right conditions for making love and for connection and intimacy. There is nothing sexy about discussing the gas bill.

Ester Perell is a fantastic relationship and sex therapist, her book ‘Mating in captivity’ is fascinating and worth a read. These are 3 quotes from her that you may find interesting.

“Love knows everything about you, desire needs mystery”

 “Instead of looking to the other to meet your needs, if you want to reignite your love life, you must take on the responsibility of your own desire.”

“We ground ourselves in familiarity, and perhaps achieve a peaceful domestic arrangement, but in the process we orchestrate boredom.”

To conclude ,I want you to know that it is not all bad news and that menopause does not have to be the end of our sex drive or lives. My sex life is alive and kicking and at 53 I am in a loving and sexy relationship with an amazing and emotionally mature man who is considerably younger than I am. The age is not that relevant ( although maybe inspirational) and that’s why I share so openly…because we are never too old to find love and feel sexy.

 What we must do is to become comfortable in our own skin and even deeper than that. To be true to ourselves. To create the conditions and the life we want, not the life or partner, or job that we think we ‘should’ have. This is when we can start to acknowledge how we feel and what we truly desire. We can put into place boundaries, we can say no, we can say yes, we can become confident in our choices and this is sexy , this inner confidence is way more sexy than anything else.

Laura Shuckburgh

Laura is a menopause and midlife coach , helping women to live a life with more joy and less ‘shoulds’.

If you would like to know more about her coaching and how she can help you to thrive through menopause and beyond. Click here.